Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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