i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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