Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
