Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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