it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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