Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
