Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
