You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
