the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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