So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
