phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
