So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Boobs speak an international language.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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