so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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