that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My bed smells like the plague
last night I used snow as a chaser
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
