It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
