I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
