How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
