he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
