Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
