My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
