Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
