I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize