She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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