So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
