WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
