his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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