I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
