My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
