She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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