you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
