I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
