the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How does it feel to date your dad?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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