everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
