I'm gonna have a badass scar
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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