I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
