dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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