Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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