so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
