i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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