I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
