ugly people sure do ruin things
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
