Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
