Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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