i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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