Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
