I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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