the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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