matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
