ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
