How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
