i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Are we still banned from the library?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
