There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
