Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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