we're blogging at a bar
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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