Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
