omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
